It's Lent. I think people, for various reasons, either love or hate it (er, perhaps 'love' is too strong a word?), much as the general consuming public will probably either love or hate the new McDonald's commercial advertising an annual Lenten special:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bJOIqVAD-s
Gimme.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A Simile is like a Metaphor.
Found these gems somewhere online while looking for a way to illustrate what similes are, because it's TAKS season and of course the kiddies have forgotten everything they've been taught over the past 6 months. Or maybe they never learned it. Either way, some of these are absolutely brilliant. I like 5 and 16. Enjoy!
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Valentine's Day
The following is representative of most conversations between myself and polite acquaintances this week:
Dental hygienist: So, how was your Valentine's day?
Me: (to self) Why is this an appropriate question to ask? (to hygienist) Uh, it was fine. And yours?
Dental hygienist: (gushes) It was perfect! My boyfriend bought me this new bracelet (dangles bracelet) and we went to dinner. I guess it's kind of typical, but I love that there's a whole day dedicated to relationships!
Me: Oh, yes. It's beautiful!
pause
Me: (feeling obligated to explain why I am not wearing any new jewelry) I was actually at work.
Dental hygienist: (with feeling) Oh, how sad!
Me: Yeah, well, we take turns on Saturdays and it was just my week. It's no big deal.
Dental hygienist: Well, there's always next year!
Me: Uh, yeah. Next year.
Dental hygienist: So, how was your Valentine's day?
Me: (to self) Why is this an appropriate question to ask? (to hygienist) Uh, it was fine. And yours?
Dental hygienist: (gushes) It was perfect! My boyfriend bought me this new bracelet (dangles bracelet) and we went to dinner. I guess it's kind of typical, but I love that there's a whole day dedicated to relationships!
Me: Oh, yes. It's beautiful!
pause
Me: (feeling obligated to explain why I am not wearing any new jewelry) I was actually at work.
Dental hygienist: (with feeling) Oh, how sad!
Me: Yeah, well, we take turns on Saturdays and it was just my week. It's no big deal.
Dental hygienist: Well, there's always next year!
Me: Uh, yeah. Next year.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Litany
You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
—Jacques Crickillon
You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.
However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.
It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.
And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.
It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.
I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.
I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and—somehow—the wine.
--Billy Collins
The crystal goblet and the wine...
—Jacques Crickillon
You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.
However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.
It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.
And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.
It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.
I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.
I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and—somehow—the wine.
--Billy Collins
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Revolutionary Road
So I go to my independent theater last night, by myself, which is just so cool. I am fully aware of how cool this makes me. I manage to find parking which is a near miracle in River Oaks on a Saturday night around 7. I purchase my ticket (outside, just like in the movies) and go in, skipping on Coke (which I adore) because the ticket just cost me $9.50 and I'm a poor teacher for another 4 months. My movie is showing upstairs and to the right is what I'm told by the very polite and attractive man in the fun, fun hat standing at the stairway, so I go upstairs, silencing my phone, and notice that the upstairs bar (they have a BAR - how classy) is just THE place to be. Okay. Sit down four rows back because this is a tiny theater and there are probably 10 rows in the whole room, and manage to be just behind these three guys. Who have brought in their alcoholic beverages of choice (vodka). I can smell nothing else for the next 2 hours. Additionally, they seem to have lost their capacity for volume-monitoring, and soon the whole theater knows exactly what's on their minds (KATE WINSLET IS SO HOT! I KNOW!). Add to this the fact that each of them gets up at least twice (when you gotta go, you gotta go?) and one in particular has difficulty navigating his way through the row he is sitting in, with the result being a large popcorn spilled all over some poor man's lap and OH I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE!! and everyone rolling their eyes and shaking their heads and even some shhhing coming from the more feisty older patrons.
It was SO worth my $9.50. Even if the movie was nowhere near as good as the novel, as per usual.
It was SO worth my $9.50. Even if the movie was nowhere near as good as the novel, as per usual.
Monday, February 2, 2009
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